The Weekly Wiper

2010-2011 FANTASY FOOTBALL

2010-08-24T16:56:00.000-05:00

After the drumming you took last year by HighCourt you are going to be in a hurry to get to the draft....
something like this we hope....CLICK HERE

But HC will be taking its time, drafting last...cheers to the new year

The Weekly Wiper: BP TO BREED NEW SPECIES OF BROWN PELICAN#links#links

2010-06-26T15:49:00.001-05:00

BP TO BREED NEW SPECIES OF BROWN PELICAN

2010-06-26T14:48:00.001-05:00

“ACTUALLY PREFERS OIL TO WATER….”

(AP) Venice LA. BP announced today that they have genetically altered the Brown Pelican into a species that thrives in a crude oil doused environment. This new breed will “actually be responsible for the oil spill clean up”. Pictured in the back ground are several of the new breed of Pelican, designated as the “OIL-a-CAN-Pelican”.

Spokesperson for the company said the “OIL-a-CAN Pelican”

was the brain child of Tony “I want my life back” Hayworth.

ww: bp…..”bong petroleum, every breath you take…”

Excellent photo essay of the gulf post spill:

http://www.nationalpost.com/multimedia/photos/gallery/index.html?id=3073920

What We Missed In A Year….

2010-06-26T13:50:00.001-05:00

NOVEMBER 2009: Mints for your vagina

A little digging revealed that Linger is made/distributed by a company called Ad-mints, which just happens to make trade show mints.

The Linger samples just happen to have have the exact same shape, taste, and ingredients as Ad-mint’s sample mints.

If you actually do expect to use Linger to “flavor the woman in a manner that is safe and effective,” be warned: its primary ingredient is sugar, which is not safe for the vagina. It messes up the pH and can lead to a really painful yeast infection, a condition that definitely doesn’t make someone want to “linger.”

ww: but we knew that already

December 2009…Gift idea for your criminal friends

Door mat

January 2010….The 110 Story "Burj Dubai Middle Finger Tower."

Visible from space, Dubai has completed construction of the World's largest structure, the 110 story "Burj Dubai Middle Finger Tower."
The dedication festivities were hosted by Dubai's Sovereign Ruler, His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, who took the opportunity to simultaneously announce he was suspending payments to the international lenders who financed it.

"We wanted to show the world a great symbol," he said. "You gave us $59 billion in loans and a payment schedule -- and we give you this!"

February 2010….Don’t Laze Me Bro! Mosquito Shoot down Sequence: Video clips showing mosquitoes being killed by lasers.

View the video : http://intellectualventureslab.com/?paged=2

Finally something a laser is actually useful for.

March 2010: Why Lord, Do These Exist?

Izzit an ice cream cone or self pleasuring device for the multiparous, worse!

What do dieting and energy policy have in common? The SnackWell effect. The name comes from those tasty little cookies that are advertised as being lower in fat and sugar. And they are--which often leads dieters to eat more of them than regular cookies and then wonder why they're not losing weight.

Studies indicate that people who install more-energy-efficient lights lose 5% to 12% of the expected savings by leaving them on longer.

WW: Proving that the little “greenies” among us are just stupid, forgetful and greedy.

APRIL FOOLS FOR MANY YEARS TO COME LOUISANA GULF COAST

MAY 2010: Cookbook typo: "salt and freshly ground black people"

Penguin Group Australia accidentally published copies of the Pasta Bible containing an unfortunate spell check error. A recipe calling for "salt and freshly ground black pepper" actually read "salt and freshly ground black people."

(Just imagine the outcry had the recipe calling for “salt and freshly ground white pepper actually read “salt and freshly ground white people.”)

The company is destroying and reprinting 7,000 copies of the book, but not recalling ones that have already hit bookstores. According to the company's head of publishing, Bob Sessions, it was an honest mistake. From The Age:

"We're mortified that this has become an issue of any kind and why anyone would be offended, we don't know," he said...
"In one particular recipe [a] misprint occurs which obviously came from a spellchecker. When it comes to the proofreader, of course they should have picked it up, but proofreading a cookbook is an extremely difficult task. I find that quite forgivable.

"We've said to bookstores that if anyone is small-minded enough to complain about this ... silly mistake, we will happily replace [the book] for them."

ww: not exactly the apology we were looking for bob, now about the contribution

JUNE 2010 GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER

President Obama has made four trips to the Gulf Coast since the start of the Big Oil Spill -- now it's Joe Biden's turn.

HEY JOE, NO THIS IS A “FUCKING BIG DEAL'”!

The vice president leaves Tuesday "to assess efforts to counter the BP oil spill," his office said in an announcement.

First stop is the the National Incident Command Center in New Orleans.

On the way back, Biden will also inspect cleanup efforts in the Florida panhandle.

Al Gore A "Crazed Sex Poodle?" or There’s Some Global Warming My Undies

2010-06-24T10:48:00.001-05:00

JUNE 24--In a bizarre statement to police, the Oregon woman who claims that Al Gore fondled and groped her during a massage session described the former Vice President as a giggling "crazed sex poodle" who gave a "come hither" look before pouncing on her in a Portland hotel suite.

In a taped January 2009 interview with cops, the 54-year-old woman, a licensed masseuse whose name has been redacted from police records, read from a lengthy prepared statement that detailed her alleged October 2006 encounter with Gore at the Hotel Lucia.

Excerpts from the Portland Police Bureau transcript of the 2009 interview can be found on the following pages. In December 2006, a lawyer for the woman told police about the purported encounter, but after the masseuse cancelled three interview appointments, the case was closed due to her refusal to "cooperate with the investigation or even report a crime."

It is unclear why, two years later, she approached Portland police and sought to memorialize her allegations against Gore, who she portrayed as a tipsy, handsy predator who forced her to drink Grand Marnier, pinned her to a bed, and forcibly French kissed her. The woman's statement--which could be mistaken for R-rated Vice Presidential fan fiction--describes Gore as a man with a "violent temper as well as extremely dictatorial commanding attitude besides his Mr. Smiley Global Warming concern persona."

After fleeing Gore's suite, the woman returned home to discover, a la Lewinsky, "stains on the front of my black slacks." Suspecting that the stains were Gore bodily fluids, the woman made sure not to clean them. "I carefully hung them up and decided to be sure not to launder them until I knew more what to do with what had happened. Just my intuition." While the masseuse hired a civil attorney, "I was not interested in making any money from this case," she told cops. "I did not want to be labeled a gold digger like the women in this situation are often labeled." The woman recently eased off this principled stand when she offered to sell her story to the National Enquirer for $1 million.

WW: And we got it for free

In a related story….

The Japanese government has launched a campaign encouraging people to go to bed and get up extra early in order to reduce household carbon dioxide emissions. The government believes going to bed early and getting up early can avoid wasting electrical power which causes carbon dioxide emissions. If people change their lifestyle, we can save energy and reduce emissions."

WW: We say have the Japanese clocks set “reverse daylight savings time”.

The Weekly Wiper Crawls Out of Its Hole and Into Yours

2010-06-24T09:56:00.001-05:00

Many it’s the heat or something…but more than likely it is just a story that drives and motivates to get this show rolling again…for example:

She was hot and sweaty, dirty, and

very slippery

WEST VALLEY CITY, Utah (CBS/AP) Cops say a Utah woman stole a car, led the owner on a high speed chase - he stole her car to pursue her - wrecked the car, stole the police car that responded to the accident, and totaled said cruiser before finally being tasered.

All while stark naked.

West Valley City Police Capt. Tom McLachlan said the chase started in West Jordan, Utah, a suburb of Salt lake City, when the already unclothed woman left her car, climbed into another car that was running and drove away.

The car's owner called 911, then hopped behind the wheel of the woman's abandoned car and gave chase.

He said she then wrecked his car, and ran off - still naked, remember - into some sagebrush. A police officer spotted her and called for backup. West Valley police scoured the rugged sagebrush and grasslands for their suspect, described as 5-foot-5, 120 to 130 pounds, thin and with reddish-brown hair.

"Of course, there was no clothing description available," McLachlan said.

You don't say?

Police say that when another officer arrived, the woman charged them both and slipped through their grasp.

Slipped? Please explain. "She did have blood on her body from the initial crash. She was hot and sweaty, dirty, and very slippery. She managed to escape the grasp of the two officers," McLachlan said.

Thank you, Captain!

She then took off in one of their cruisers, ramming it through a large gate, McLachlan said. That ride ended in nearby West Valley City when the woman failed to make a sharp left turn and the purloined cruiser ramped off a berm and traveled about 50 feet before crashing to the ground hard enough to bend the vehicle's frame, McLachlan said.

That's when the chasing officers finally tasered her, according to McLachlan.

"That car that she took is a total loss," he said. "I think there's a hubcap that's still usable."

McLachlan said doctors do not believe drugs or alcohol led to the woman's erratic behavior. "It appears there may be mental issues involved," McLachlan said.

WW:

It’s time to finally admit that perhaps women just “crazy in waiting” and all will go off eventually..

Brazil Clears Shanty Town for Olympic Stadium By Burning It Down

2009-10-18T20:04:00.001-05:00

Claim Chicago did not get Olympics because the organizers were not courageous enough to do the same to the city’s projects…..

Nepali teen bids for crown of world's smallest man ever

2009-10-16T12:13:00.001-05:00

A 22 inch-tall Nepali teenager who laid claim to the title of world’s smallest man when he came of age this week says he is looking forward to global fame, international travel – and an arranged marriage with a bride of similar stature. Well, good luck Nepali dude but its been done…

From minuscule movie stars to petite pop stars, here’s a list of famous short people through history.

10. Edward Carl Gaedel

Standing at 3”7, Eddie was the world’s shortest pro-baseball player – albeit briefly. Born in Chicago in 1925, “Eddie” aspired to be a sportsman, and managed to secure his debut with the St. Louis Browns in the summer of 1951. Despite being a publicity stunt, his appearance on the plate lead to 18,369 fans giving him a standing ovation. Unfortunately, Gaedel became a heavy drinker and died of a heart attack after being mugged in 1961.

9. Bridget the Midget

Twenty-eight-year old Bridget – born Cheryl Marie Murphy – claims her fame in a slightly more risque industry to our other legendary small people. Idaho-born Bridget is an erotic film actress with a difference – she’s just 3”9. She’s now retired from “adult” acting after appearing in over 100 films, and these days favors more traditional acting roles, including a bit part in 8mm.

8. Danny Woodburn

This 44-year old actor from Philadelphia stands at a mini four foot. However, his height never held back his acting career, and he’s managed to avoid getting pigeonholed in typical “little people” roles either. The star has had parts in Seinfeld, One Tree Hill and CSI, and features in the forthcoming film, Watchmen.

7. Gary Coleman

Gary is most famous for his role as Arnold Jackson in Diff’rent Strokes. The 4”8 actor has since had a few cameos and bit parts on TV series and in films, but is predominantly more famous for his eventful personal life. Such dramas include his televised appearance in a divorce court, a car accident, an assault, and ongoing financial problems.

6. Dolly Parton

Diminutive Dolly may have a big – er – heart, but her height is just five foot. The 62-year old (yes, 62!) became famous for such country ditties as “Jolene” and “I will Always Love You”, and is still singing and song-writing to this day. She is also recognized as a philanthropist, is an accomplished player of the autoharp, banjo, drums, guitar, harmonica and piano, and lest we forget, has her own theme park, Dollywood.

5. General Tom Thumb

The original famous small person – Charles Sherwood Stratton, adopted the stage name of General Tom Thumb after the fabled English legend, who was no bigger than his father’s thumb. The real life version was born in Connecticut, weighing 9 pounds 2 ounces, but only grew to 2”9. He was snapped up by the traveling circus showman P. T. Barnum, and toured the world, becoming stinking rich and meeting his wife – another small person – on the way. He died of a stroke aged 45 in 1883, and over 10,000 friends, fans and family attended his funeral.

4. Wee Man

This Jackass star, whose real name is Jason Bryant Acuña, is just over four foot tall. He was born in Pisa, Italy, to Italian parents, but grew up in Torrance, California. He worked as a subscription manager for a skateboarding magazine after graduating, which saw him become involved with the stunt-crazed Jackass gang. Acuña now does occasional presenting gigs and has appeared on the reality shows Armed and Dangerous and Celebrity Circus.

3. Prince

Prince Rogers Nelson, aka His Purple Majesty, aka The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, or sometimes, just a symbol, is only 5”2. The womanizing extrovert, who has had hits with ‘Purple Rain’, ‘When Doves Cry’ and ‘Beautiful Girl’, is now back in the studio recording his next long-awaited album.

2. Danny Devito

This huge movie star stands at just 4”11 tall. He was born in Neptune, New Jersey, to a middle class family, and decided to go into acting at an early age. After getting his big break in Taxi, Devito went on to star in blockbusters such as Other People’s Money, LA Confidential, Batman and Heist. He continues to act, starring in Always Sunny In Philadelphia

1. Verne Troyer

This 40-year old actor, famous for playing Mini-Me in Austin Powers, is now just as famous for his private antics as his professional. The self-confessed sex addict was the latest celebrity to fall foul of a sex tape scandal, after private moments between him and his former girlfriend, Ranae Shrider, were leaked. He is no stranger to reality TV however, and is currently doing a stint on Celebrity Big Brother UK, where he has been seen getting sozzled on Champagne, flirting with the ladies, and causing havoc on his mobility scooter

COOLPAPA THE FIREWORK DOG

2009-10-12T15:36:00.001-05:00

SEEING IS BELIEVING

OLD SLOW GOLFER LOOSES ARM TO GATOR WHILE DIDDELING FOR LOST BALL IN POND

2009-10-12T11:30:00.001-05:00

Why was this not completely predictable. Saturday morning, busy course, 5 old geezers playing a 25- cent Nassau , stacking up 6 groups behind them….then lady luck shines, and you’re playing right through the carnage…..thanks mister gator.

BEAUFORT, S.C. -- Officials say an alligator bit off part of a golfer's arm as he leaned over to pick up his ball at a private South Carolina course.

The man, who is in his 70s, was retrieving his ball from a pond when the 10-foot alligator bit him at Ocean Creek Golf Course in Beaufort County. The gator pulled the golfer into the pond and ripped off his arm in the struggle. His golf partners were able to free him.

Wildlife workers killed the alligator and retrieved the arm in the hopes it might be reattached.

The man has not been identified. He was being treated at the Medical University of South Carolina, but officials there would not release any information about him.

A call to the golf course was not immediately returned.

DAMN YOU GLOBAL WARMING

2009-10-11T14:16:00.001-05:00

Snow covers the playing surface of Coors Field, seen from the main concourse Saturday in Denver.

Game 3 of the Phillies-Rockies playoff on Saturday night has been postponed because of cold, snowy weather.

A Failed ASS-ASS-ination

2009-09-30T09:16:00.001-05:00

Al Qaeda has developed a new tactic that allows suicide bombers to breach even the tightest security, as CBS News correspondent Sheila MacVicar reports.
Inside a Saudi palace, the scene was the bloody aftermath of an al Qaeda attack in August aimed at killing Prince Mohammed Bin Nayef, head of Saudi Arabia's counter terrorism operations.
To get his bomb into this room, Abdullah Asieri, had a pound of high explosives, plus a detonator inserted in his rectum. “The TROJAN BOMBER” Asieri, one of Saudi Arabia's most wanted men, avoided detection by two sets of airport security including metal detectors and palace security. He spent 30 hours in the close company of the prince's own secret service agents - all without anyone suspecting a thing.
How did he do it? Taking a trick from the narcotics trade - which has long smuggled drugs in body cavities….

A failed ASSASS-ination? The blast left the Jabba the Hut sized prince lightly wounded, but as an exercise in defeating security, it was perfect.
The bomber persuaded the prince he wanted to leave al Qaeda, setting a trap, by handing his cell phone to the Prince, to receive a text message, the cell phone’s incoming text message likely detonated the butt bomb. SHHITTBOOM.

ww: I’m not really into gore, but this is one video I’d like to see.

At the proper moment did he point his rear end at the prince and say: “Excuse me your Excellency, I must pinch a load. The spoiled cat milk and rancid goat hoof as caused a great discomfort in my”…….BOOOOM

The sad thing is that yet another good hiding place’s cover has been blown.

To the left is a “Sodomy Map” of the world, the darker the area the more popular. Based on Saudi Arabia’s complete blackout, the Prince’s security team probably bumped into the device during the search. and……

What’s up Idaho?

SURGERY SUPERSTARS RESULTS THRU WEEK 2…THE CREAM BE RISING TO THE TOP

2009-09-25T15:20:00.001-05:00

RANK RANK

NOW LAST WK

Team

Offensive

Def

Total

Behind

1 4

MoFo's Hams

177

201

2 1

163

185

3 9

Earl's Dogs

164

180

4 11

HIGHCOURT

166

175

5 3

EL MACHO BORRACHO

149

167

6 8

FAITHHOPE

154

166

7 2

150

165

8 5

Burning Sensation

144

164

9 10

WILL/PEGGYS TIGERS

151

161

10 7

Devil Dogs

118

156

11 6

126

141

12 12

105

113

The Ham’s, Earl’s Dogs and HighCourt rode a bullet upstairs.

JAMES TRACEY stunk. Looking under the skirt of JT’s stench, it easy to see he’s not wearing any……………………. WIDE RECEIVERS (perfect), including his reserves, 4 points total for WR’s.

and the Mighty Pharaoh seems to have never left his TENT

“Hey look, the Pharaoh ain’t got no running backs in dat tent.”

DP’s three RB’s managed only 5 points combined, well the good news is that he at least started Brandon Jacobs and got the 5………and Brady 6 pts…well that a “hole” ‘ nuther story, isn’t it? WW

STOP, HEY, WHAT’S THAT SOUND….IT’S NOT BUSH ANYMORE BROTHER…

2009-09-24T23:42:00.001-05:00

PITTSBURGH – Police fired canisters of pepper spray and smoke at marchers protesting the Group of 20 summit Thursday after anarchists responded to calls to disperse by rolling trash bins and throwing rocks.

The march turned chaotic at just about the time that President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama arrived for a meeting with leaders of the world's major economies.

The clashes began after hundreds of protesters, many advocating against capitalism, tried to march from an outlying neighborhood toward the convention center where the summit is being held.

The protesters banged on drums and chanted "Ain't no power like the power of the people, 'cause the power of the people don't stop."

LOOK, IT’S A PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINIC, GODDAMN NEW CAPITALISTS….GETTING OUR TAX DOLLARS… WW

AND THE WEEKLY WIPER GOES TO THE UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY

2009-09-24T10:12:00.001-05:00

I have to admit I am now a friend of Mouammar Kaddafi, NOT because he gives one hell of a 2 hour speech to a group of jet lagged, H1N1 spewing, 3rd world leaders. And NOT because he’s the first such ass-head of state to suggest that the UN General Assembly be moved to another country because the security was so tight he could not import his entourage and party like a rock star. And NOT just because he has a pretty hot daughter,

(Aisha Kadafi, by the way is some hot shot Jordian lawyer, and a law professor that helped defend Saddam Hussein in court. Well you can’t win them all, can you Aisha; especially when the very act of flashing some leg or cleavage for the judge and jury will get you stoned to death. )

AND NOT BECAUSE HE HAS a Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mouammar-Kadafi/47025646541

and knows something about Coke and Pepsi:

BUT

because he’s one hell of a guitarist,

playing under the alias, Carlos.

GOD PERMITTING, THE DUDE WAS AT WOODSTOCK!

SMOKING DOPE AND DROPPING LSD…

“Carlos Kaddafi” recalls his own experience (at Woodstock) taking LSD. "My guitar is like - like (an) electric snake. So that's why you see my face, you know, like making all these ugly faces, like, 'Stand still,' you know." "Intuitively I just said, 'Allah, please help me. I'll never do this again," he says.

Soooo, Mouammar Kaddafi is just an aging hippy guitarist, having flash back after flash back, the US being the electric snake.

Thanks for the memories, WW

DECEASED PATRICK SWAYZE TO STAR IN REMAKE OF “GHOST “….”GHOST TOO”

2009-09-23T13:04:00.001-05:00

BECAUSE WILLY KEEPS ASKING FOR IT…..

“Ghost” shot in 1990, chronicles the sad story of Sam (Patrick Swayze) and Molly (Demi Moore) are a very happy couple and deeply in love. Walking back to their new apartment after a night out at the theatre, they encounter a thief in a dark alley, and Sam is murdered. He finds himself trapped as a ghost and realizes that his death was no accident. He must warn Molly about the danger that she is in. But as a ghost he can not be seen or heard by the living, and so he tries to communicate with Molly through Oda Mae Brown, a psychic who didn't even realize that her powers were real.

FAST FORWARD 19 YEARS….We find the same cast of characters, Molly in desperate need of plastic surgery,reconnects with Oda Mae, now the “race baiting” Barbara Walters’ side kick on

“The View”. Using voodoo and the persistent bashing ex-president Bush, she conjures Sam back into the world of the living, for the purpose of starring in a re-make of Ghost, “Ghost Too”. A plot is hatched by which Molly will drug Sam, steal his organs and sell them to a gang of organ selling Jews in New Jersey to fund her much needed lifts and tucks. The plan is initially scuttled when Sam shows up without a single functioning organ due to heavy partying, drinking and smoking and dies, again before the ex-plantation can be completed. Now penniless, and being pursued by a mighty gang of organ snatching Jews, they seek the help of Oda Mae’s real life close friend, Senator Edward Kennedy, whom they realize has successfully undergone a kind of breast transplant, has terminal brain cancer, and a life long goal to abort fetuses and reform health care. Unfortunately, on the way to Mass General, to procure some organs,Kennedy takes the girls sight seeing on the CHAPAQUITIC BRIDGE…. were the plot takes a familiar turn….they drive off the bridge…

Kennedy wanders back to the compound…and a few days later joins Patrick Swayze and the others in Fun Land, “GHOST TOO “ .

ohh my, w.w.

And will we ever forgive Swayze for his lispy ballad,“Thee’s Thalke tha’ Weend “

Stop Already

2009-09-13T23:21:00.001-05:00

How ‘bout I shove this T-ball up yo’ ching-chang ass.

ACORN – THE PLACE TO GO FOR COMMON SENSE BUSINESS ADVISE

2009-09-11T15:13:00.002-05:00

I don’t know what the big stink is about; these ACORN members are just giving this couple the same advise that just about any community organization would proffer concerning setting up a "home-based lady of the night business". And besides the chick playing the prostitute is a hotty...

And certainly in line with….

ACORN’S Mission Statement

“The Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) aims to organize a majority consituency (their miss-spelling) of low- to moderate-income people across the United States. The members of ACORN take on issues of relevance to their communities, whether those issues are discrimination, affordable housing, a quality education, or better public services. ACORN believes that low- to moderate-income people are the best advocates for their communities, and so ACORN's low- to moderate-income members act as leaders, spokespeople, and decision-makers within the organization.”

THE FIRST “TELEPROMPTER" ARRIVES ON THE HILL

2009-09-09T18:34:00.002-05:00

Developing………

THE CARNAGE KNOWN AS “LOUISIANA MUDFEST” STRIKES AGAIN…

2009-09-04T21:03:00.001-05:00

Okay, I admit it, I have a dog in this fight. No, I will not be joining the Mud- Festivities in Colfax, LA. They will be visiting me, here at the hospital. As the story develops, I am on call this weekend providing a clean place for these various mistakes of nature to have their fractures, blunt abdominal traumas and head injuries repaired.

My partner left this morning and on the way out he asked I if knew Mudfest was scheduled this weekend. I asked him “WTF is a Mudfest….?

”God made mud. God got lonesome.

So God said to some of the mud, "Sit up!"* Evidently, this form of life takes a break from

their more common mode of recreation…

INCEST…

to celebrate the mud…

The last worship of Mud, Bud and Bitches overwhelmed local emergency rooms with enough injured idiots to place ER’s on diversion, meaning “no room in the inn”, we shipping your dirty ass off somewhere.

Anybody have an extra “scrunchy”? A handful of soil may contain ~10 billion bacteria, most of them unknown to science: 1 million yeasts, 200,000 fungi known as molds, 10,000 protozoa, assorted rotifers, flatworms, roundworms and microscopic creatures known collectively as cryptozoa (National Academy of Science 2006).

And of course the “After Party”…

Where MISS MUD BUG is crowned…

“STAFF” – ISN’T THAT AN INFECTION

Well, well, Mud Butts, I’m waiting on you to make the first move my direction…. we’ll leave the X-Ray on for you.

del.icio.us Tags: Mudfest,louisiana,4 wheeler,incest,soil contamination,femur fractures

WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS TIME OF YEAR

2009-09-04T09:41:00.011-05:00

The Weekly Wiper

Pre Draft Issue

2009

The Weekly Wiper has been in suspended animation since early last year. the Fantasy Football League a.k.a "The Surgery Superstars" has our draft day on Labor Day a sense of well being has begun to circulate...

We'll descend upon Oak Wing Country Club, open the bar, and draft our players in a naked, drunk ed romp.

(btw do not google pictures for "naked, drunk ed romp" without a family filter on)

Before you get turned off to the name "Surgery Superstars", there are no actual surgeons in the league.

Surgeons in general are way too self absorbed to hob-nob with the common folk on the planet. Most of us in the league just work in and around surgery, or know someone who does.

The league is not a place for chicks to meet doctors either, but we can turn chicks off to doctors pretty quick too, if any would like to check that out.

Last year, Earl won,

but then so did this guy. Hope and Change.

Yes, they have their similarities, leader in total FF points last year on one hand, leader of the "free" world on the other. But personally, I like Earl a hell of a lot more, he's reliable, and a big part of why there's a health care crisis in America...

I'm not using the "first smoker's" name or current position in The Wiper either; who wants the SS or IRS knocking down your cyber door?

Speaking of Health Care Reform: The best way to accomplish that pesky task is to change your perspective...

The Wiper interviewed Dr. Wong, a noted FMG, to enlighten Fantasy Football couch potatoes and our raise self-esteem.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it.... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain..

Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Your Gain!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT ah-LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You ah-crazy? HELWO… Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' IS shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Being American is apparently what kills you.

THANKS TO RVC

Promises Promises

2009-02-24T22:40:00.002-06:00

Things have been busy, and we're taking a break and will be back to wiping up soon.
Had a great time here....http://blogs.nashvillescene.com/nashvillecream/2009/02/the_spin_pavement_reunion_at_t.php
ww

YOU INAUGURATE ME!

2009-01-08T16:13:00.001-06:00

The Weekly Wiper

SPECIAL EDITION

Pre Inauguration Issue

Five Presidential Types Discuss the Future of the Country

The Weekly Wiper has been pondering the use of a number, a number of dollars. A trillion dollars.

$ 1,000,000,000,000.00

The average income in Louisiana is $24,084.00, thus it would take this average guy ONLY 41,521,341 years, 9 months, and 12 days or given the average life span in this fair state(which ranks 47th in the US), 579,098 lifetimes to earn a cool trill, before taxes.

THEN LET'S ASK CARL SAGEN, the noted and dead astronomer/physicist and author of a book written for dumb-asses on the U N I V E R S E.

WW: Carl, how's things? Slow I bet, you being a dead atheist and all.

Carl: "Very slow, dark, cold, and lonely, nobody even thinks about me since that Steven Hawkin guy got famous with his talking wheelchair."

WW: Still bitter, uh?

Carl: "Hell, I died of pneumonia, look at him".

WW: We're pondering the size of the number, one trillion, 1,000,000,000,000, in dollars. Can you give us some prospective?

Carl:"We live on a hunk of rock and metal that circles a humdrum star that is one of 400 billion other stars that make up the Milky Way Galaxy which is one of billions of other galaxies which make up a universe which may be one of a very large number, perhaps an infinite number, of other universes."

WW: So what's a trillion?

Carl: "Billions and billions?"

WW: Thanks anyway, Carl, let us take a stab at it:

If you laid one dollar bills end to end, you could make a chain that stretches from earth to the moon and back again 200 times before you ran out of dollar bills.
One trillion dollars would stretch nearly from the earth to the sun.
It would take a military jet flying at the speed of sound, reeling out a roll of dollar bills behind it, 14 years before it reeled out one trillion dollar bills.
One trillion dollar bills would weigh 2,204,000 pounds. A weight that the Federal Government can easily throw around.
If you had gone into business on the day Baby Jesus was born, and your business lost a million dollars a day, day in and day out, 365 days a year, it would have taken you until October 2737 to lose just ONE trillion dollars.

__________________________________________________________________________________

The New Prez is getting a something of a down grade on his ride... General Motors was just about out of cash but at least got it running....This presidential limo has rear auxiliary power, that runs...

ON BULLSHIT!

And please do not make fun of "his" wheels look at the response to this posting:

Looks like a thug ride

Posted by: Donna | Jan 7, 2009 6:46:54 AM

Hey Donna, ufck you! He's your president now, deal with it! Its not a thug ride you hateful bitch! It's amazing that even after winning the presidency and beating the snot out of McPalin you people (yeah, at least I called you..."people") can still manage to undermine a man with more education and backbone than your whole imperialistic regime! How about you go out, meet more people, get punched in the pale face by a few thugs, then come back and run your fat lips online! Be sure to address him as President thug when he lowers your taxes, dumb a$$!

Hey sirlanse, ride a ufcking bike, or just make more money, then you too can enjoy the fruits of 10mpg, and luxury tax..its awesome! Maybe you could manage to make enough bread to get laid in your new fancy wheels too instead of raiding your moms latest shipment of skin so soft!

Posted by: it's09 | Jan 7, 2009 7:46:42 AM

How sweet is victory? WW

Previously the Wiper Reported....and worth another look

OBAMA'S FIRST PRESIDENTIAL

INITIATIVE ANNOUNCED...

"PIMP MY RIDES"

Sean "Puffy" Combs, style advisor and Spike Lee, movie and communications director for the new White House announced this morning that Obama will require updates "oh-fa-show" to the line of presidential rides, "cuz we be geese", that is; planning to travel long distances to

"bo-yaa" some foreign leader "wit a chip on they shoulder" and get crunked. Snoop Dogghas been appointed to serve as the presidential "advance team coordinator" for all travels. Snoop said, " It's my job making sure the Prez don't get "ganked by a wizzle, and his dime-piece is da shiznit."

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO GET UP TO SPEED WITH THIS LINK: MY ONLINE RAP DICTIONARY

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

In a NEW YORK TIMES EDITORIAL, the paper indicated its dissapointment when they learned, despite initially reporting that Obama's first

"ONE ON ONE" meeting with a foreign leader in conflict with the U.S. was to be with the cigar-huffing communist, Fidel Castro in Havanna, Cuba, with no preconditions, was actually scheduled with Will Castro of Unique Autosports in Holbrook, NY. to pimp some new presidential rides.

When pressed for information regarding the new president's preferences with regards to rides, Mr. Castro stated, "...Well the Secret Service has their requirements and knows best what works for them, but when they suggested the uncannily familar 1961 Lincoln X-100... ...I had to "steer" the President-elect in another direction. Hell, Barrack was less than 3 years old in '63 when they last popped a cap in a democrat president, how was he to know? At Unique Autosports we came up with several better ideas for the new rides...."

Something for offical duties Something to menace Republicans

This should keep the "Green" Crowd happyor else feed it to Al Gore for recycling.

For Democrat Sen. Byrd's (Ex-KKK Grand Wizard) "State Funeral" TO BE HAPPENING SOON.

For rollin' in the D.C. Hood with the Homey's Presidents do love their HUMMERS!

And little somethin'-somethin' for Obama's Russian commie buddy, Glado Putin, we'll drop it off in the Ukraine

His "Red Army" can pick it up for him while they over-run the rest Eastern Europe.

HIS NUMBER ONE PERSONAL WHEELS "LEX". The "RED STATE KILLER" hopefully a limited edition.

Here's an idea for the Obama "AIR SWOOSH One"

we be rollin' and stuntin' huge...

Women's Day Magazine Has Typical Lame New Year's Resolutions

2008-12-30T19:33:00.001-06:00

NOT SO FAST SAYS THE WEEKLY WIPER...

Ring In The New You This New Year?

Some feel-good resolutions you can actually keep...? WE INJECT EACH RESOLUTION WITH "WIPER REASONING".

Photo: © Comstock

THE WEEKLY WIPER INJECTS SOME REASON INTO: A current January WOMEN'S DAY article which states,

"...What is it about Women and January? As soon as the ball drops, the female mind immediately turns to all the stuff it's absolutely going to do this year. The thing is, they’re usually the same promises made last year.

Forget been-there, tried-that resolutions and commit to new ones that are less daunting, more doable and guaranteed to make the Woman in you feel great. Pick a few or try all..."

AND THE LIKELYHOOD OF A WOMAN'S FAILURE TO SAY WITH THE RESOLUTION,

THE PREDICTED FAILURE RATE

1. Start your own blog
It’s easy, free and lets you say whatever is on your mind. Go to blogspot.com to get started.

Wiper Reasoning: Sure sounds easy, but then what do you have to say that anybody on earth would give a crap about? Okay, New Years Resolutions for women. Predicted Failure Rate 99.9999%

2. Swap CDs with your teen
Give her a few of your favorites every month and ask to borrow some of hers. She may gain a new appreciation for Sheryl Crow, after all she did hook up with the gonadally challenged steroid sucking, Lance Armstrong, who then dumped her when she developed breast cancer and for being a SOUR-PUSS democrat. The Crow's song/thought processes go like this...

"Packed up and moved out after all.
Bulldozed the house and watched it fall.
That blessed sight I still recall
I can sing my song again
I can sing my song again"

and you might just learn to love Rihanna. Try some lyrics...from her hit "REHAB"

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
Now ladies, gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, now gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Wiper Reasoning: Can I get the whole fried chicken, mashed potatoes with extra gravy and a half dozen biscuits kind of rehab.. She even made of meal (pancake) of that pencil pecker packing, Justin Timberlake.

You're more likely to successfully swap Herpes with your teenager than CD's.

Predicted failure rate 77.6%, mainly because of "like mother -like daughter" genetics.

3. Be more spontaneous
When was the last time you did something spur-of-the-moment? Well, it’s time to embrace a more “why not?” mentality.

If your sister calls and invites you out at the last minute, go. (Your husband can watch the kids, can’t he?)

Wiper Reasoning: "Your husband can watch the kids, can’t he?" Does this just not chap our ass? When men think "spontaneous " there are a whole host of items that pop into our minds and watching the kids while you browse through Bed and Bath with your bulimic-bipolar sister is not one of them. And adding the "can't he?" to the end of the question...makes me want to jack slap a Women's Day writer or two, then spontaneously head to the local strip bar lock the kids in the car outside the joint on a hot summer's day and max out the family VISA card. Predicted failure rate 100%

4. Make your kids laugh
Wear a goofy hat. Speak in a silly voice. Fall over. Make weird faces. It’s fun for them and beneficial for you. If you figure out something that makes your child laugh, do it again and again. And once a good time starts, keep it going. Don’t interrupt the fun just because it’s time to make dinner. “Let other things slide sometimes,” advises Dr. Cohen.

Wiper Reasoning: What Women's Day fails to mention the actual costs of the amount of drugs and alcohol you would have to consume to create the laughs and keep them going and going. Sure you may say, "who suggested drugs and alcohol as the "something that makes your child laugh". But Women's Day didn't have any responsible suggestions to make the brats act happy either. Perhaps your children laugh and generally have a great demeanor, just not when you're around. Predicted failure rate 82.5%, as some children will play along then report you to Child Protection for some real laughs.

5. Indulge your fem-self guilt-free
Whatever your passion, make a point to enjoy it this year—even in small doses. For instance, if chocolate is your weakness, vow to savor a sweet treat every now and then—even if it’s just one (kilo) Hershey’s Kisses a day.

Wiper Reasoning: Thanks Women's Day, you have just given all your lady readers the permission to put some extra junk in the trunk, Oprah style. What if your chick can't stop indulging fried pork rinds and gallons of the ice cold funk that is

"Chocolate Milk". Predicted failure rate 0%, finally a resolution she can live with.

6. Spread cheer—and do it every single day! Smile at strangers, hand out compliments, ask how someone is doing and really mean it.

Wiper Reasoning: And improve race relations while you do it.

Predicted failure rate ...just as you'd predict 99%, some chicks dig it.

7. Make one new friend
That’s it, just one. Not too intimidating, right? Now take a look around. Your new BFF may be someone you see every day. “Adult friendships are based on similarities, convenience and location,” says Elaine D. Zelley, PhD, at the gym try striking up a conversation with the woman on the bike next to you. And don’t worry if your first few attempts don’t lead anywhere. Keep trying and eventually you’ll click with the right chick.

Wiper Reasoning: Wow, women having trouble making friends, that's because their friendships eventually lead to... drunken Cat-Fights

Seems the be an historical precedent for them, too. Predicted failure rate 92.3%, some will turn the incessant chick fighting into an actual profession, thus increasing the demand for baby pools, pure vegetable oil (extra "virgin olive oil in Europe), and peanut butter.

8. Get more sleep
While most of us gals need at least seven hours of sleep a night, many of us don’t get it. What happens when you catch too few zzz’s? The three P's: poor performance, poor mood and poor health, according to Joyce Walsleben, PhD, author of A Woman’s Guide to Sleep. Grab a couple of extra hours daily after hubby leaves...I'm dreaming that I'm dreaming that I'm sleeping.

Wiper Reasoning: Men are always wondering why their women always look like they just woke up from a nap when they get home from their 18 hour work shift, we just didn't know it was in an effort to improve things for you, except the mood thing ain't working for us. Predicted failure rate 50% as 1/2 of all women will stay awake at night waiting for just the right opportunity to kill us while we sleep.

9. Put your "right" brain to work
Create your own artist’s wall. Grab a camera, go outside and snap whatever moves you. Hang the best shots, rotating in new ones every few weeks.

Wiper Reasoning: Hey quick, if you're looking in the mirror which is the creative side of your head? Predicted failure rate 100%, cannot tell right from wrong.

10. Do something that scares you silly and

Lock lips with your husband (actually combines two resolutions)
Whatever gives you the willies—riding rickety state fair roller coasters, walking alone in a Walmart parking lot, or Locking Lips with your hubby —make a promise to try doing it at least once during the year.

“Conquering a fear is empowering,” says psychologist Laurie Nadel, PhD Not sure you can do it? Get up, brush your teeth, pull on your garden gloves, personal floatation device or other protection, it's the first step puts you that much closer to seeing it through.

Turns out there is some science behind that giddy kiss rush: the cuddle chemical, oxytocin. “As you kiss, you hold each other, her witchy noodle oozes oxytocin, a brain chemical that makes you feel good,” says Helen Fisher, PhD, author of Why We Love. German researchers have shown that a whiff of oxytocin will also improve the ability to infer, based just on eye cues, what a person is thinking about. Well now you know!

Wiper Reasoning: Dangerous stuff, OXYTOCIN, I learned this in sex ed. Drips out the women's brain into the uterus and milk glands. Yep, it feels sooo good you'll barely notice the side effects:

an allergic reaction (shortness of breath; closing of the throat; hives; swelling of the lips, face, or tongue; rash; or fainting);
difficulty urinating;
chest pain or irregular heart beat;
difficulty breathing;
confusion;
sudden weight gain or excessive swelling;
severe headache;
rash;
excessive vaginal bleeding;
seizures
spontaneous abortions.

All of which do make me want to snuggle.

The Wipers recommendation on this one, KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN WHEN PARTICIPATING IN HER RESOLUTION NUMBER 10.

Predicted failure rate, only 46.4 %, some men will do anything, and will not heed the warning of the blog.

AND FOR THE REST OF 2009, REMEMBER TO WIPE OFTEN. WW

BuzzNet Tags: WOMEN'S DAY,NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS,2009,HAPPY NEW YEAR,KISSING,OXYTOCIN,BLOGSPOT,CD'S,CROW,RIHANNA,FRIED CHICKEN,MASHED POTATOES,STRIP BARS,KIDS,LAUGH,CHILD PROTECTION,INDULGE,GUILT FREE,PORK RINDS,CHOCOLATE MILK,DRUNKEN CAT FIGHTING WOMEN,SLEEP ISSUES,DREAMS,RIGHT BRAIN,UTERUS,HYPOTHALAMUS,WEEKLY WIPER

"Angel Barbie" Recalled For Being Too Slutty To Be On Top Of Christmas Trees

2008-12-24T15:34:00.001-06:00

Not even a scant four years after Barbie and Ken divorced, Barbie has fallen on hard times. Once considered wholesome but "edgy", Barbie latest foray into the Christmas ornament industry back-fired when thousands of the new Angel Barbie dolls apparently undressed and started acting in such a provocative manner that customers could not place her on the top of their Christmas trees.

"...We put Angel Barbie at the very top of our tree and the next morning we found her half way down the tree hitting on one of the Santa's Elves ornaments. It was disgusting to say the least...", said one mother of five girls.

"...It was like crazy, all the male ornaments were fighting over her like wild animals, it was so embarrassing, we were afraid to turn the Christmas tree lights on for fear of seeing what they might be doing..."

"...She kinda' reminds me of my second wife", said one recently re-married father of two,"...Pretty hot but I wish I'd checked into her history before we tied the knot...".

"...She's just a big trouble maker, look at the satisfied grin on the ornament behind her in this picture I took, her skirts up around her neck and her hair's caught on a hook. No telling what she did with her wings..." said one young purchaser.

"Some of my more precious Christmas decorations jumped to their deaths and were found in pieces at the bottom of the tree..." added a grandmother.

I overheard her tell my Santa ornament, "I guess math isn't the only thing that's hard".

Mattel has offered "Burka Barbie" as a replacement.

It includes a bag of rocks so you can stone her if she acts up.

Merry Christmas, and wipe that up Barbie. WW

The Next Time You Look, Will EARL's DAWGS Be Champs or Chumps?

2008-12-24T14:16:00.001-06:00

The Superstars Fantasy Football League is coming to a close. One week remains...

The Players in 3rd, HIGHCOURT 1324 points

in 2nd, "studious" WPT (formally the Bandits), 1325 points

In 1st place, the points leader with

1365 points, Earl's Dawgs. What's up with the pinky?

So that gives him a 40-41 point lead over 2nd and 3rd.
In the last 5 weeks, he's been outscored by WPT by a total of 8 points and by HighCourt by 54 points.
Earl's lowest week scoring was week 14, putting up only 56.
Can we pray that he repeats that 56 in week 17, and HC cranks out 97 or WPT 98 for the win.

The rest of the league, we hope you get the best seller, "How to Play Fantasy Football" as a gift.

Merry Christmas. ww

Commander in Briefs: Obama shows off his war chest on holiday in Hawaii

2008-12-24T10:08:00.001-06:00

According to the British rag, The Daily Mail, "He wore down Hillary Clinton and wiped out John McCain, so we knew he had the stomach for a fight. " And this is what it looks like.

Obama shows off his impressively muscled tummy, a toned pair of pecs and

his golf skills while on holiday in Hawaii. Hey, he's a "lefty".

The Secret Service needs to put a "UROCLUB" in his Christmas stocking. The U.S. president-elect is throwing down something of a challenge by being photographed in his swimming trunks and shorts. Of course the future 1st lady had to get into the picture, showing off her trunk junk

Here's what the Mail’s readers have had to say so far.

For FUN, study the photos associated with this article and see if you can the correct words in the reader's comments:

The women that are drooling over Obama don't have (much of a sex life, a baby's daddy, very high standards).
And don't forget his 10 inch long…(attention span, black berry, pencil thin neck)… that makes him look like a victim of some (vast right wing conspiracy, disease, spousal abuse).
What's all the fuss about? You would think half of you posting comments had never seen a(n) (“near” black president-elect, bare chest, skinny black snake) before.
Oh just great... a prez who waxes his (new presidential limo, shoes, gravity stricken man-boobs). Those are not the (tax increases, saggy tits, 'change') I want.
I prefer him with a (bullet-proof jacket, hat, suit) on.
OH-BAMA, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow (Rhom Emanuel, cocaine, my mind)!!!!
(A wet bathing suit, Power, Sand in your crack) is the greatest aphrodisiac and...
it sounds like a lot of loser women are dreaming of getting their presidential (business socks, kneepads, blue dress) on.
Ms. Obama has got (to diet, not get photographed eating, too much sand for "my little truck").

T' was The Day Before Christmas and...

2008-12-24T09:27:00.001-06:00

The Weekly Wiper staff wishes all readers a Merry Christmas...and a safe Holiday season...

Please open you gifts carefully and avoid the most common debilitating Christmas morning injury,

the paper cut.

Don't become a statistic!

Pitching: It's more than just velocity

2008-12-18T15:06:00.001-06:00

As the world looked on in horror, MLB pitching scouts looked for potential...

MLB pitching scouts have taken a interest in the shoe hurling Journalist, Muntadhar al-Zeidi as a big league pitcher. Using a computer simulation program that superimposes a baseball on any hurled object, several scouts have determined Muntadhar's shoe speed and rotation would translate into triple-digit baseball velocities.

In Iraq, baseball has not become the national past-time it is in the United States, "mostly because Iraqi's have only experience with the wrong end of a bat", said Maj. Gen. Abdul-Karim Khalaf, Saddam Hussein's former-interior minister.

Zeidi has a wonderful high release, and notice just how well his lower body faces the batter or in this case the President of the United States. It appears if the dirty, smelly sandal had been in fact a baseball, he's would actually be throwing a split finger fast ball.

"His pitching shows a ton of potential when viewed through the proprietary "PITCH-SIM" program. There's end over end rotation but he is able to have the shoe or ball break away from the President's head," said a MLB scout wishing to remain anonymous. "...If Kennedy had the "duck move" Bush exhibits avoiding the bean ball, JFK might have a larger presidential library today", said Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki in the post "game" wrap up.

What scouts look for, Muntadhar al-Zeidi has....

Regardless of how alluring it is to light up the radar gun, good scouts look for much more than velocity from pitchers. As a starting point, scouts start by looking at a pitcher's strength, stamina, agility and aggressiveness, and then look at things like arm action and delivery. Sure it's nice to throw hard, but scouts are also looking for movement and deception. Muntadhar al-Zeidi has it all in spades.

""You're looking for a guy to be strong down the road and be able to eat innings," says one Major League scout. "You want a reliant arm that is going to last. A guy with a big, durable body and a strong lower half."

"There aren't many true No. 1 Major League starters out there -- powerful guys with focus and presence -- but Zeidi is what we're all looking for," says the scout.

Drafting the Phnom maybe problematic as he could be charged with attempted murder and face up to 15 years in jail for admitting to an investigating judge that he tried to attack Bush, a spokesman for Iraq's High Judicial Council said.

Perhaps injury prone? Relatives claimed the 28-year-old journalist, who has a deep hatred of the United States, was hospitalized with a broken arm, broken ribs and internal bleeding.

The real ultimate insult to BUSH however: ww

BuzzNet Tags: Major league,Muntadhar al-Zeidi,MLB,baseball,Bush,Pitch-Sim,Kennedy,presidential library,spades,starters,broken ribs,internal bleeding

Only a Few Shopping Days Left Until Christmas

2008-12-16T12:01:00.001-06:00

If you're anything like the staff at the Weekly Wiper, there are a few last minute items needed for the "least deserving" on your Christmas gift list. Here are a few suggested stocking stuffers available now.

ITEM 1: "U CALLED ME A WHAT? " Glass set. Nothing starts the day off better than these stylishly suggestive juice glasses. You'll always want to be the first one up to set the table and get your long day going, at each other.

Classy enough for a quiet (silent) dinner too, just in case the morning started out okay only to deteriorate during the day.

Item 2: 1st in a series that can be combined - GROPE ON A ROPE - Lend yourself a "hand" in the bath or shower, for those hard to reach areas. Combine it with this next item;

Item 3: KARAOKE SOAP MICROPHONE- And now the entire neighborhood will know when you're all wet, and combine with Him, Item 4: HIM ON A ROPE to just wave your soapy hands in the air singing gospel and wait for Easter,

with item 5, SOAP ROPE BUNNY

Continuing in the bathroom realm.

Item 6: WHAT'S YOUR POO TELLING YOU? CALENDAR Filled with nifty factoids of all things POO. Celebrate the wondrous uniqueness of poo with regularity. In this daily calendar, the authors of the best-selling book What's Your Poo Telling You? deliver a year's worth of poo trivia, interesting nuggets, dates in digestive history and illustrated dookie descriptions. Who knew you could learn so much from poo?!?! Have a crappy year! Imported. Wiper clean.
* 6"w, 2"h, 5.5"d
* Plastic, paper

According to the calendar, Evil is dead.

Item 7: TALKING TP ROLL - Nothing says your marriage is in the shitter, better. HONEY, ARE YOU LEAVING ME? Flush once for "YES". Romance was a truly beautiful thing, especially in the bathroom. This magical battery-powered fun machine records and plays back any message.

Just press the "record" button, say what's on your mind, load up with some TP and you're ready to go. Your message will play whenever paper is pulled. It's fun waiting to happen. Imported. Wiper clean.
* Required: 2AAA Batteries, not included
* 1" diameter, 4-6"l
* Fits standard toilet paper holder
* Plastic, electronics

Item 8: "ALL ABOUT ME", COFFEE TABLE EDITION - You know wives, children, relatives and therapists have thrown it in you face for years, give into your narcissistic self loving life, and proudly display your version of the world for everyone to see. It's what you should get you for Christmas.

Item 9: SLIPPER LITE STOPS HIP FRACTURES! Just when you were running out of ideas for mom or grandma'...

Contour Light-Up LED Slippers with Memory Foam will light up your way at night. These motion activated slippers come on automatically when you walk in the dark and the LEDS will illuminate your way, keeping you safe from obstacles that have been left on the ground. The slippers are no maintenance, LED light is super bright and requires very little power,Replaceable battery will last 4 to 6 months. A Photo sensor will prevent the slippers from turning on during the daytime hours. Soft Memory foam insole and soft fleece lining provide soothing warmth and comfort in a beautiful powder blue Suede finish.

Item 10: "EXCUSE ME" from work that is. Tired of your boss at your lame job questioning the validity of your use of sick time. Just collect a few days of snot and sputum into your "Excuse Me" and place on his/her desk upon return and marvel how the conversation is no longer about your sick days but your termination.

Merry Shopping, WW

BuzzNet Tags: excuses,sick time,termination,memory foam,batteries,Christmas,shopping,glasses,marriage trouble,grope,microphones,karaoke,Elvis is dead,talking,narcissism,slippers.

Hell Freezes Over - Tiger Stadium Whiter Than Usual

2008-12-12T12:21:00.001-06:00

Two things that'll make your nose bleed

Sitting up here

And sitting down here...

With a 7-5 season, most LSU fans have resigned themselves to somewhat morbid prophesies of the end of the world thanks to Les Miles and his unrealized expectations…the above weather event isn’t helping quell those fears. A snowy dusting of biblical, or at least voodoo wives’ tale, proportions descended upon Acadiana this morning and covered the hallowed and bourbon stained grounds of LSU’s Tiger Stadium..

Link to Article

BuzzNet Tags: LSU,Mike,Snow,Baton Rouge,College Football,Tickets,Nose Bleed

Get Your Blog Outta Here

2008-12-10T17:15:00.001-06:00

Dear Microsoft Live Spaces Customer-WW,

Thank you for using Microsoft® Windows Spaces.Live. Our information indicates that you are the "Blog Master" of the so called "The Weekly Wiper". As a valued customer, we want to provide advanced notice that as of January 1, 2009 Microsoft is disabling your blog, "The Weekly Wiper" will no longer be allowed to be hosted on this site.

We find your content to be disturbing, tasteless, and containing content not suitable for the Windows family of customers. Seriously, we have no problems with some members posting pornography and graphic violent images, but we simply do not get this "Weekly Wiper" thing. And secondly, we do not get the 20,000 plus hits each issue of this nonsense is generating. You are crowding and hogging Microsoft's bandwidth.

Kind regards,

Bill Gates

President, CEO

Slow Running Drain

2008-12-10T13:13:00.001-06:00

Yesterday afternoon I was washing my hands in the WW headquarter's bathroom sink and noticed the drain was running slower than usual. Being inquisitive in nature and quite handy with plumbing repairs, I removed the drain plug. "Yep, something's down there", I thought as I grabbed someone's toothbrush. (sorry for the blurry picture)

I snagged the obstruction and was dumfounded, "what the hell is this?"

I know I'm not Ripley's Baby's daddy from the "ALIEN'S" MOVIE, although Sigourney Weaver was kinda hot back in 1979.

Or perhaps...

It's a Keichousaurus from the Triassic period,245-210 million years ago. Described as 6 to 12 inches long; long neck and tail; five-toed feet , their fossils which are prized (and expensive) collector's items. Couldn't be that lucky.

I've been brushing, flossing my teeth, washing my hands at this very sink for almost 10 years and that thing was living just a few inches from my face.

Maybe it's what happens when you dump a decade of DNA in the primordial soup of a bathroom sink and

it sadly takes on a life of its own.

What's in YOUR sink?

BuzzNet Tags: plumbing repairs,aliens,DNA,fossils,toothbrush,flossing

"Fem-bot's my love machine" says Nippon Engineer

2008-12-10T10:27:00.003-06:00

Or Why Japanese Men Creep Us Out

Japanese engineer too busy to find real love has INVENTED his idea of the perfect woman – a female ROBOT.

Inventor Le Trung, 33, created Aiko, said to be “just legal, age wise” with a stunning 32, 23, 33 figure, shiny hair and delicate features. She even remembers his favorite drink and does simple cleaning and household tasks.

He said he did not build Aiko as a sexual partner, but said she could be tweaked to become one.

Le Trung never had "time" to find a real partner so he designed one using the latest technology.

“Her software could be redesigned to simulate her having an orgasm and reacting to touch as if she is playing hard to get or being straight to the point, she is very patient and never complains", he said.

ww.- After two minutes into this video is becomes apparent it won't be long before there's going to be legislation passed that makes it a crime to abuse a robot. He obviously couldn't wait to demonstrate that she feels pain, doesn't want you to grab a boob, and can ask you to stop, three things we would pass on if building our own Fembot.

The Yule Brenner rouge robot gunslinger from the movie Westworld should get charged up and "TWEAK" this sicko-inventor's fantasy into a nightmare.

News Channel Sicks (6) is Born

2008-12-08T19:46:00.000-06:00

A group of young, brash video reporters hit the 3 am ruckus in front and inside a few "big box" stores...First catching the competition literally asleep at the wheel.

Their first "TARGET" Ms. Priss(cella) found credit cards in purse and Margarita in hand.

Then an unfortunate Hillary Clinton...trolling WallyMart

Get ruffed up and short circuited at Circuit City

The Wiper will keep an eye out for these news savvy roving reporters...

The Weekly Wiper's Christmas Shopping Guide 2008

2008-12-08T12:55:00.004-06:00

The Weekly Wiper

Lends A Hand

With Your

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Last year ( LINK: CHRISTMAS 2007 GIFT IDEAS ) the Wiper put together a nifty shopping guide just in time for Christmas and we've decided to do it again but with more lead time as some of these items are ALL NEW and "hard to get". Christmas is a special time of the year, and with all those special people on your gift list you need some really special gift ideas...

ITEM 1: OFFICIAL NBA WALL GROWTH CHART

See how your little tike measures up against your favorite NBA star with this officially licensed, life-sized NBA Player Growth Chart. Perfect for any room, the chart is printed on high-quality poly-vinyl material and reaches to over 7 feet tall!

Perhaps the best way to dash any hopes your white, scrawny, "High School Musical"-loving-son will ever have at becoming an NBA star. Stick this growth chart on his wall at an early age and watch as his disappointment grows, faster and bigger than he ever will.

ITEM 2: KING PEPPER - GIANT BASEBALL BAT PEPPER GRINDER

If you are like most men, nothing pisses us off more than having less that the appropriate amount of freshly ground pepper on our steaks, fries, eggs, etc. The KING PEPPER - GIANT BASEBALL BAT PEPPER GRINDER assures you that an ample supply is always at hand, it's a MLB regulation, 42 ounce Maple bat/pepper grinder, that can double as a punishment tool for whoever didn't season your meal correctly in the first place.

There's also a signed Sammy Sosa edition available,

made from his collection of previously corked bats (extra charges may apply).

ITEM 3: BOOZE BELLY/FAN-O-HOLIC

In keeping with a sporting theme, the perfect gift for that hard drinking, I'm sneaking my in cheap shit in, kind of man. Simply fill the discrete container with a favorite adult beverage and see if you can avoid ejection until the 3rd quarter or 5th inning. It's also available in our deluxe model: The FAN-A-HOLIC. It comes with the sling and the bladder. The sling is designed to fit users up to 6'8" and up to a 40" waist. Made of neoprene, the sling insulates you and will feel like real flesh under your clothes. The bladder holds up to 80oz. of the beverage of your choice and fits in a custom shaped pouch inside the sling . It'll be daddy's little secret.

We are currently developing something similar for the marijuana smoking crowd, we'll call it the "POT BELLY".

And after a game-full of beer in that bladder, you can brave the bumper to bumper traffic home, without fear of having to stop to wizz with these next items...

ITEM 4: Little John-Portable Urinal - The Feminal® - Freedom for people on the road!

Stop worrying about finding a restroom when you travel. Keeping a portable urinal in your car means you won't be forced to use dirty or deserted rest stops or simply stop and pee outside the car when nature calls at inconvenient times. Can be a real lifesaver if you're stuck in traffic! Plastic anti-spill cap included.

Suitable for the whole family. Includes an adapter that lets female travelers get relief while standing.

Unbreakable plastic washes easily. 10" long; 2-cup capacity; weighs 8 ounces. Urinal is red; female adapter is blue.

Or if your want to go up-scale for that "weaker of species" on your gift list try The Feminal® . This nifty unit is designed so that a woman can urinate in a reclined, seated, or standing position. When the Feminal is gently pressed against the body, the unique shape creates a leak-proof seal. Includes cap. 4-cup capacity. Wash with soap and water. Color: purple. Made in USA. Also handy if you run out of gas. Airline approved.

Warning: Do not attempt to use while driving vehicles with manual transmission, always dispose of contents in designated receptacles and not throw at opposing team's fans.

ITEM 5: CAT BUTT PENCIL SHARPENER

Want to send that special teacher a message, you know the one that thinks "Saturday detention" is a holy day of obligation, we have the purrr-fect gift,

The CAT BUTT PENCIL SHARPENER, also available in white so as not to offend, Shows your favorite teacher just where to stick it. Warning: Pencil point may stink after sharpening.

ITEM 6: FANTASY SUITE GIFT SET

The Fantasy Suit Gift Set makes makes a special romantic occasion absolutely extraordinary! This romantic kit will make your celebration sublime.

Enclosed, you will find warming massage oil, chocolate body paint with a brush, champagne flutes, a champagne bucket, two satin robes, one thousand scented silk rose petals, three pillar candles, fifty tea-lights, the Amazing Hot Heart Massager, romantic music CD, and a full color romantic guide to ensure that your evening is unforgettable!

Everything you need to create the perfect romantic experience that only dreams are made of...this kit really goes above and beyond!

BLOW-UP DOLL NOT INCLUDED, MUST BE PURCHASED SEPARATELY

ITEM 7: BIG BOY UNDER-THERE

What a delightful play on words on what is sure to become our best seller. Don't you know she is sick and tired of opening such a small "package" on Christmas morn. Tell her "I'll be foam for Christmas" with the original

BIG BOY FULL BASKET UNDERGARMENT. Buy several sets to impress co-workers, daughter's swim team, or yourself.

Wear to confession and reduce penance. This product was developed for Tom Cruise's "Risky Business" whitey tighty dance scene to Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock and Roll". Big Boy ships with a complementary tube of MANDELAY Why hurry?

And while we are on the subject of semi-consensual sex...

ITEM 8: MY SEXY STRIPPER POLE AND INSTRUCTIONAL DVD SET

This is a must for the single mom or recent divorcee with a desire to re-ignite her career and begin making G-strings full of money.

The My Sexy Little Pole is strong, safe and durable! The pole installs and can be put away in minutes, and is perfect for beginners and the more advanced dancers.

The My Sexy Little Pole is much stronger than comparable poles, it can support weights up to 200 pounds, max weight for any self-respecting stripper.

Wipes clean with only sponge and Lysol.

The pole safely extends a full 7 feet, within easy reach of ceiling in any standard house trailer.

For a limited time we'll throw in at half price, THE STRIPPER'S GUIDE TO LOOKING GREAT NAKED.

A book that teaches you how to look great naked

Shows you how to showcase your assets and hide your flaws

Hundreds of sexy tips

If you've been out of circulation a few years or never really qualified to circulate, this guide teaches the tricks of the trade for hiding those unsightly caesarian section scars, battered wife bruises and cheap breast implant outcomes.

WARNING: My Sexy Stripper Pole not intended for homes with greater than 9-1/2 foot ceiling height.

In case you are stripping in Fargo...you'll find this next item "handy"...

ITEM 9: SMOKING MITTENS

These Smoking Mittens are an ingenious way preventing your hands from getting cold in the winter but also stopping those bothersome cigarette burns.

It's a pair of comfy little mittens that double as a convenient cigarette holder.

The Smoking Mittens are reversible so you can smoke with either hand in fashion. They really thought of everything. It's nice to be a pampered smoker.

The coolest thing for the cold!

A chic, bargain.

WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that smoking with your left hand has similar negative health effects to smoking with your right hand.

And there no better way to impress strippers than pulling some ones out of...

ITEM 10: THE BACON WALLET

Nothing smells of the success of a well stocked fridge more than THE BACON WALLET. Hand-sewn, imitation pig skin, smells just like real, rich hickory smoked pork belly.

If you are the weight conscience type, order our

TOAST WALLET.

Or combine orders and have breakfast.

ITEM 11: HUMPHREY THE HUMPIN' HOUND

You HAVE TO see Humphrey in action. Warning, not for the faint of heart.

MOVE OVER ROVER LET HUMPHREY TAKE OVER!

Humphrey is excited to see you! Humphrey, The Humping Hound will have you and your friends howling with laughter with his unique brand of affection! Simply strap Humphrey on to any object, squeeze his left ear and watch as this dirty dog barks and gyrates in the classic pooch pose! Battery operation lets you use Humphrey anywhere...Some stuff you can't make up.WW

ITEM 12: COCK BLOC SUPER

Fraternity brothers will appreciate this perfect gift for that chick that always hangs around the most available, totally intoxicated babes at your local college watering hole, she's constantly sounding the warning siren, standing between you, your short term goal and nasty intentions.

Comes in a handy carrying case and should keep the Blocker occupied for hours while you put on your "business socks".

TO GET THE "BUSINESS SOCKS" REFERENCE YOU MUST WATCH THIS VIDEO:

If the COCK BLOCKER SUPER is not effective on the blocker try this item...

ITEM 13: FIT-FORM MEMORY LIGHT - FOR COCK BLOCKING WOMEN ONLY

Keep the CB'ing women occupied for hours....

Colors can summon up memories, trigger emotions, and bring strong images to mind. And music is the ideal medium to awaken and strengthen emotions.

COLOR THEORY

Blue is calming, soothing, quieting. Ideal for quiet contemplation or meditation.

Red is stimulating, powerful, and energetic.

Yellow lets the sunshine in and beings summer directly into your house.

Green is nature's color. It represents regeneration, joy, and gladness.

Orange suggests happiness, creativity, self-assurance, and friendship.

The Fit-Form Memory Light can be programmed to provide constant light, pulsating light, and sine light (the light rhythmically changes from light to dark).

The Color Listening CD complements the effects of the Fit Form light. Composer and musician Jean-Marc Levier transposes colors into music through the use of melody, harmony, and instrumentation. The Color Listening CD contains six musical selections.

"Field of Activity Red" is pulsating and exciting.

"Relaxing Blue Suite" creates a calming atmosphere.

"Mystic Yellow Sun" reflects a sunny day.

"Dreaming Green" works sounds from nature into an ethereal soundscape.

"Creative Orange" is written in a major key with a rising tonality that conveys strength and security.

"Affective Red & Orange" is a lively piece in which guitar and harmonica express activity and strength of will.

"Blue & Green Ambiance" delivers a mood of lasting serenity.

The Fit-Form Memory Light & CD kit should keep the blocker busy and includes 1 light, 1 clamp-on flexible holder that attaches to the light, 1 plug-in power supply (class 2 transformer; 120V; 60Hz; 9W) with a 5-foot cord, 1 CD-ROM, and instruction booklet. 6-month mfg. warranty.

WARNING: FOR WOMEN ONLY - Not approved as a medical device. Do not use this product if you suffer from seizure disorders or photophobia.

ITEM 14: HOP OFF

Something for the kids. It's the geography game that divorced dad's that have lost custody love to play. Get the kid(s) in the car without mom knowing and HOP OFF to just about any state were you can't be tracked down. No more Alimony or Child support payments to worry about. When your parental instincts begin the wane, end the game by being the first to yell, "HOP OUT!" And drive off.

ITEM 15: SMART CYCLE KIDDY HOUSEHOLD GENERATOR

Hey Mom, Opie's on, hurrey!

Children love it!

We all feel the pinch, utility bills are soaring, but little kids have more energy than a caged hamster on crystal meth and we all want to be "green".

Well your friends and neighbors will be green with envy when they see you gave your kid the gift that keeps on giving, back to you that is.

Simply place your A.D.D. kido on this stationary bike, feed him Ritalin or whatever and watch in awe as he powers the household by spinning his little ass off.

This item is eligible for a federal income tax credit in areas effected by recent hurricanes.

ITEM 16: JUNIOR JIHAD U-238 ATOMIC ENERGY LAB

While we are not exactly clear on what RADICAL ISLAM'S plans are for the holidays, we ARE certain that many Junior Jihadists would "slit a throat" to get his/her hands on this desirable item.

Not much bigger than the size of an 50'S briefcase, and supplied with 3 large containers of "yellow cake" enriched Uranium-238, fuses, a containment vessel, and all the other fixin's one needs to reek nuclear havoc in the neighborhood.

The Lab is only moderately radioactive until supplied U-238 is properly centrifuged, mom's Cusinart food processor can be substituted for centrifuge. ALLAH AKBAR

Warning: Use may lead to international sanctions.

ITEM 16: FACT OR CRAP LIE DETECTOR GAME KIT

Wives, has your husband been coming home late from the office, smelling like cigarettes, Jagermeister, and "Home Wrecker" perfume? This gift idea, FACT OR CRAP, will get the honest truth out of the lying bastard. You draw any card you want from the FACT or accusation stack, he must draw blindly from the lame explanation or CRAP stack, then flip the IT's YOUR CALL consequence card. Watching him suffer is a pure joy.

All items are in stock and ready to ship to your door in time for Christmas. Simply Click the Link: I WANT TO BUY SOME STUFF NOW

All forms of payment accepted.

Happy Shopping, WW

SOMETHING FOR THE GOLFER ON YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST

2008-12-08T12:32:00.002-06:00

SOMETHING FOR THE GOLFER ON YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST...WITH NO SENSE OF TRADITION - The UroClub™

How many times has this happened? You’re playing 18 holes with your best buddies, drinking sport-“aides”, water, beer, etc. You’re coming up to the 3rd hole with no rest room in sight. There are no trees or bushes around and you just have to go, what are you going to do?

The UroClub™ is the discrete, sanitary way for your urgent relief. Created by a Board Certified Urologist, it looks like an ordinary golf club, but contains a reservoir built into the grip to relieve yourself. The UroClub™ is leak proof, easy to clean and no more embarrassing moments.

Ask any golfer if he’s ever been caught out in the middle of the course . . .no bathroom in sight and Nature was Calling, Loud and Clear! The answer is a resounding . . . “Sure I Have! I went in the bushes, I tried to find a tree, I went on the side of the golf cart, etc. etc.”

The UroClub™ will give you the self assurance to stay the course, both the front and the back nine!

This may sound like a joke, but it’s not. I am a Board Certified Urologist, practicing in Florida, a place where Golf is played year round. Every day I hear these same complaints from my patients because they suffer from urinary frequency (a condition that can begin in men, as early as their mid 30’s). Even if you don’t have this problem, let’s face it, there are not too many bathrooms on the golf course.

These are the very patients that inspired me to create the UroClub™.

A camouflaged portable urinal, designed to be discrete, sanitary and create an air of privacy! It looks like an ordinary golf club and comes equipped with a unique removable golf towel clipped to the shaft that functions as a privacy shield!

Imagine, giving the appearance of taking a practice swing, while both privately and confidentially, you are able to relieve yourself without any embarrassment! This can be accomplished easily while standing by the golf cart, as well. Have the confidence to drink whatever you wish during your game and not worry if you’ll make it to the clubhouse in time!

Step 1:
Unscrew the UroClub’s triple seal, leak proof cap.

Step 2:
Clip the privacy towel to the UroClub and your belt or waist band.

Step 3: Discreetly relieve yourself and then get back into the game!

SEE THE UROCLUB IN ACTION

The privacy shield hooks to the sides of the pants or belt and adds stability. This allows freedom of the hands to manipulate the club and zipper. The entire club is made of a non-porous material. Therefore, caring and cleaning is effortless!

The UroClub™ is intended to eliminate anxiety and any feeling of uneasiness on the course. It can be emptied at the nearest restroom or later on, when the golfer returns home.

Capacity: Over half a liter, twice the volume commonly urinated.
Length: Like a standard 7 Iron
Special wholesale prices are directed to encourage club makers to brand UroClub™ and include it in their accessory lines, just like gloves or umbrellas.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Well I'm no Urologist, but my golf buddies and I have no problem peeing anywhere on the course, trees or not. We do not fear a little pee.

There is something we do fear on the course, POO!, "Number 2", Chili Cheeze Dog Poo, so WW's R&D department went to work and invented...tah-daah...

The "SandCrap™"

Next time nature doesn't just call, but begs, screams bloody murder, for you to relieve or die suddenly from a ruptured rectum, simple grab the SandCrap™ from your bag, dig an appropriate sized hole, and drop trouser in the nearest bunker.

It's regulation Golf Pride grip, is available in custom colors and the blade is available in several different lofts.

Shafts can be customized also, extra stiff-for heavy loads, stiff, regular, loose-for women's petite loads

Never suffer the embarrassment of dropping more than a golf ball from an unplayable lie. Get renewed confidence in your game today.

Tell 'um you want the SandCrap™ in your bag for Christmas.

BuzzNet Tags: golf,golf grips,sand traps,shovel,sandcrap,uroclub